Shambolic service? Sneaky tricks? Renting a car shouldn’t ruin your holiday

What a time to be alive – travel has never been easier. In a couple of clicks you can book a flight, find an Airbnb by the beach and find out all the best places on Tripadvisor.

But there’s a missing link – the tyranny of renting a holiday car.

Once you’ve braved the character-building budget flight, picked up your luggage, the time has come for you to collect your wheels.

Up until now, every part of your journey has been meticulously designed to be as efficient as possible, from rushing you through security to boarding using a mobile boarding pass. It’s all about keeping you moving and saving money in the process.

In the dark ages

But, once the car rental pickup happens, it all goes downhill. Why-oh-why are car rental companies stuck in the dark ages?

The one thing I will not miss about this weekend is our terrible rental car.

— Jolene U. (@JoleneGolightly) May 16, 2016

Your first task is to work out which counter you need at the airport. Like most dysfunctional markets, car rentals are dominated by a couple of big US players.

These are deeply unpleasant places. After spending a couple of hours on a plane, I can’t think of anywhere less I’d like to be.

These American giants operate under different brands but run them all from the same desk, in a dick-move to confuse the hell out of you when you’re not at your sharpest.

And the queue. Without fail there’s always an epic queue. Why? They can’t claim they weren’t expecting a rush a customers who all booked months ago and turned up after the flight they knew you were on.

Shouldn't you be able to pick up a rental car when you reserve it and not wait an hour? @enterprisecares

— Kathy Mears (@MearKat00) May 24, 2016

After the long queue the fun really starts. You’re handed the paperwork to fill in. By pen.

Months ago you filled all of this in online. On a computer.

Computer says no

Then you get to watch the friendly person over the other side of the desk manually type in all of your written information in front of your eyes. Can you imagine this happening with your flight? The plane would never leave on time.

Now, you need to endure what can only be described as a tedious series of pointless questions:

Do you want insurance excess waiver cover? No, I bought it online. Along with my car rental

Well are you sure you’re covered? Yes

We’re going to pre authorise €1000 from your credit card. Are you sure you don’t want our extra cover? Yes

Do you want a sat nav? No

Are you sure? You won’t need it? Two words: Google Maps.

Do you want a less mediocre car? No

It’s only €10 a day more! You sure? That’s more than I paid for the whole rental online. No

Once you’ve passed the series of tests, the keys are finally in your hand, along with a scrap of paper marking all the dents on the car.

Finally you’re good to go. Holiday starts here.

Somebody please ‘fix’ this

It doesn’t have to be this difficult. We searched high and low for an alternative – there’s Uber, and there’s BlaBlaCar – a popular ride-sharing service.

But there are times when you need your own car at the airport and Uber won’t cut it.

Here’s an industry crying out for a healthy bit of disruption. Will somebody take up the challenge?

Imagine this:

Contracts, deposits, insurance agreed online at the time of booking

Your customer relationship with one brand from booking to pickup

Car waiting for you at a taxi rank where your ID is verified

Use your smartphone to open the car (just like DriveNow + ZipCar)

All cars have Android/Apple connectivity with Google Maps ready to go

Customer service delivered through the app

Easy drop off at the airport

First world problem

All of these ideas already exist. Airbnb have nailed booking and customer service all through an app. DriveNow and ZipCar can give you a car instantly without the need for your life story before every journey.

This might seem like a first-world problem but consider this: in our modern world time is the most valuable thing we have. We’re working harder than ever and when it comes to your holiday, time really is money.

So somebody, please fix this. Make me the “Uber of holiday car rentals”.

For more unicorns, cats and cultural imperialism, read Alex’s Agenda.